This Is A Pet Free Tardis
by JessWho
Summary: "I'm a Time Lord, I do not purr" He growled indignantly, clearly flustered. - River Song, the Doctor and a Cat.
1. This Is A Pet Free Tardis

**This Is A Pet Free Tardis.**

The Doctor pushed past her to get into the kitchen, eagerly taking in the sights and sounds of her home.  
>He trailed his fingers along the hard granite of her work surface and froze. "You have a Cat?"<br>River glanced over her shoulder as she opened the larder cupboard. "Yes"  
>"It's not coming with us!" The Doctor said sternly and folded his arms awkwardly.<br>She put a box of cat biscuits on the granite counter top and crossed her arms, mirroring his stance with practiced ease. "I'm not going anywhere without him"  
>The Doctor scratched the back of his neck. "Him? Yes, I suppose he is. What's his name?"<br>"Doctor"  
>"Yes?"<br>River smiled in anticipation. "No, his name is Doctor"  
>"No, it isn't"<br>"Yes. It. Is." River breathed out through her expanding smile. "I'm the Doctor" He said curling both hands into fists and jabbing himself in the chest with his thumbs. "Yes"  
>"He's the Doctor" The Doctor said, still none the wiser. "Yes" She repeated, teasingly whispering the single word into his ear. He stepped back, shaking his head to clear it of distracting thoughts. "We look nothing alike"<br>"You have the same frown" She pointed out as she looked at the Cat sat by his bowl waiting to be fed and then her other Doctor who was visibly clutching at straws.  
>"Cats can't frown" He said triumphantly.<br>River's smile changed into a smirk and then a leer as she thought of an adequate comeback. "You both purr."  
>"I'm a Time Lord, I do not purr" He growled indignantly, clearly flustered.<br>"Spoilers!" Her blue eyes twinkled up at him.  
>"I don't purr" He said with eyes cast to the wooden floor as he back-combed his hair and pulled his dark, silky fringe in front of his face in order to avoid making eye contact.<br>"Spoilers! She sang again. "And I'm not ginger" He added with a tinge of disappointment.  
>"Yet!"<br>The Doctor's eyes lit up with a spark of excitement that soon faded when he hit himself on the side of the head "I'm not a cat. Strictly humanoid, me. Except that one time."  
>"If you say so" She replied with weary sarcasm.<br>"I do say so" he grinned seeing a battle won and then he noticed River was no longer paying him any attention. "What?"  
>"Sorry?" River mumbled as she walked over to the 'Doctor'-Cat.<br>"What was that?" He asked, his hands dancing in the air around him.  
>"Nothing" She answered absentmindedly as she tickled the top of the cat's head.<br>"That was not 'nothing'. Smirking is not 'nothing'," He said using his fingers to make air quotes, his voice raising a few octaves. "Smirking is something, it's suggestive, and what have you done?"  
>She shared a suffering look with the cat, "Honestly, anyone would think I was a criminal," River sighed, "It was you!"<br>"Me?" Squeaked the Doctor, "I didn't do anything!"  
>"You frowned," She grinned as she stroked her hand down the long elegant line of the cat's soft back. "Both of you's did"<br>Bewildered more than before, the Doctor asked with trepidation, dreading the answer even as he asked it, "I'm a cat?"  
>"Sweetie... Spoilers!"<p> 


	2. Another Stray Along For The Ride

**Another Stray Along For The Ride**

The Doctor skulked his way over to the console, dragging his feet reluctantly and dropping his tweed jacket over the railing in defeat. "Sorry"  
>"What?" River asked as she set the Doctor; her cat, on the ground and brushed stray curls out of her enquiring eyes.<br>"I was talking to Sexy-" The Doctor's face coloured as he quickly stumbled to correct himself, "the TARDIS, the TARDIS!"  
>River's eyes widened for a moment, but she held her the mocking laughter on her tongue and instead swayed over to him. "What are you sorry for?"<br>Relief swept his embarrassment away as he settled into reeling off a list of reasons why a cat should not be allowed to travel through time and space, fabricating several storys ending in cat-jam, but mostly he was adamant the TARDIS would not be happy about the arrangement. "She's not keen on furry animals."  
>She sighed and folded her arms under her chest. "She doesn't mind the Doctor."<br>He stared for a moment entranced by the magnificent sight of her cleavage. "She will when he makes a mess under her console," he murmured in a low, dusky voice.  
>River Song rocked back and forth on her heels, her breast all but toppling out of her vest. "He's toilet trained. Doesn't even leave the seat up, unlike you!"<br>The Doctor looked up sharply, his hair bobbing as it caught up with the sudden movement. "Really?"  
>"No," she laughed softly, "He does know his way around many an intergalactic litter trays though"<br>The Doctor made a despairing strangled sound of annoyance at himself, her and the cat. "Well, if he starts playing with loose bits of cable I'm on her side if she gives him a little shock."  
>River raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him, "She wouldn't do that, she likes the Doctor."<br>"This is going to get confusing," he groaned as he scratched his cheek nervously. "Can we change his name?"  
>"No."<br>"Helios? After the Sun God, it's a nice, appropriate name, or Mickey? I knew a Mickey, Mickey The Idiot, he was a good bloke. Let's call him Mickey!"  
>"Doctor!" River ground his name out in warning.<br>"Fine! Grumpy it is." The Doctor bent over to ruffle the cat's strikingly orange fur, but he curved his back to the floor, his green eyes wide and angry as he gave the Doctor a quick hiss before jumping onto the TARDIS's console. His long tail flicking in irritation as he weaved between various controls for somewhere safe to sit and clean his paws.  
>"He doesn't like it when you call him Grumpy," River commented casually. "Don't be like that, Grumpy, it's a cool name!" He said directly to the cat, taking a step back when he got hissed at, again. River muffled her laughter with a discreet cough and butted in with, "No, it isn't!"<br>The Doctor glared at River before turning back to the cat who was indeed frowning at him like River had said. "Is!"  
>River tied her hair back into a messy bun that barely held her unruly curls captive, before beginning to rummage through her bag. "He'll scratch you if you call him that again."<br>"We're friends, Grumpy wouldn't- Ouch!" The Doctor stared in disbelief as the pink cut filled with blood. "He, he... the little... he scratched me!"  
>River pulled out her First Aid kit, "I did warn you, my love."<p> 


End file.
